The Exterminator
by underhandlilies
Summary: Cloud Strife, Shinra's unofficial "exterminator", actually likes the pests he's supposed to be killing off. Hoarding them in one place turns disastrous, however, when one of his little charges gets free. Insanity follows. Zack/Cloud-ish.


**Genres: **Romance and…humor? I have no idea. orz

**Special Conditions: **Um. Falsely exterminating Cloud for the win? Mysteriously strange Zack for the win?

**How the Idea was created: **Mice are cute. If everyone's fighting the monsters in Shinra, who's taking care of the pests?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the characters within it. I am gaining no profit from this work of fan-fiction.

**Warnings: **General lack of plot. Inconsistency in false plot. Insanity. Roaches, rats, and mice. You have been warned.

**._._._._._.**

**The (Ex) Terminator**

**An Exterminatin' Final Fantasy VII Fan-Fiction**

**._._._._._.**

Shinra Military Academy, housing some of the most promising soldiers of the future, was THE place to be. Excellent teachers, challenging curriculum, and enough power to cover up every mistake an authority made; who could ask for more?

The director of this wonderful academy, Lazard Deusericus, was a man as tough as the orders he slammed down. He reported directly to the President, could talk down to a six-foot SOLDIER, and was in control of almost all the movements of Shinra Military. Yes…Lazard was _the _man to model after; a man who was, most likely, not afraid of ANYTHING.

Well…almost anything.

Lazard Deusericus was a very distinguished, elegant man…and he could still successfully pull it off, even when perched on a swivel chair, his glasses all the way on the tip of his nose, hands on his knees, and a very distressed look on his face.

"Have you caught it yet?" he called.

"I'm sorry, sir," the voice replied from beneath the desk, "Not yet!"

There was a scuffle, then a triumphant cry, and from beneath the desk emerged a cadet. His blond hair and uniform were messed, but he wore a grin spanning from each ear. Dangling from his left hand was a large, struggling white rat.

There followed an awkward pause, before the cadet finally ventured, "Um, sir? You can get down, now."

"O-Of course!" Lazard agreed hastily, stepping down from the chair. He circled the cadet, making a noise of disgust as he examined the rat, before focusing on the cadet with a smile. "Good work, Cadet Strife!"

Cloud beamed proudly. "May I go now, sir?"

"Yes," Lazard said. "Thank you."

Cloud extended the hand with the rat in it. He was confused for a moment as Lazard inched away, and hurriedly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir!" He switched the rat over to his other hand and extended the same hand again, wiggling his fingers innocently when the Director did not make a move to shake.

Lazard sighed. "Just go, cadet."

"R-Right!" Cloud snapped a hasty salute as he closed the door behind him.

Lazard promptly opened the window, positioning himself on his chair, once again stoic and dignified. No one would have known the difference.

_._._._

The dark side of Shinra Military Academy was seldom noticed by outsiders. However, someone inside the Academy—exclusively inside—would know it.

The Academy was scared to death of pests.

Rats, mice, roaches, or creepy-crawlies of any kind were enough to send an Instructor off the deep end, a cadet to the Infirmary, or a First Class SOLDIER to the labs for a psychological examination. And in rats, mice, roaches and creepy-crawlies the Academy did abound. Dr. Hojo, as well as losing his monsters, also had the same problem with his lab animals—rodents in particular. You could never be sure if it was going to be a mouse or a snake in your bed. Even those who came neutral to the beasties eventually caught the fright-fever. The only problem was, while the SOLDIERs handled the monsters, no man wanted to face the tiny terrors that roamed the halls.

Except for one.

Cloud Strife was the brave soul of the Academy. Not spectacular in any particular way, the one thing that he was really GOOD at was extermination. He wasn't afraid to pick up a mouse, or to quickly slam his boot down on a stray roach. Because of this, he was the go-to person for any and all extermination within Shinra's walls. Cloud didn't mind. It saved his grade, and, if he was lucky, he got paid.

Cloud had his own dark secret, though. One that would've killed any SOLDIER to discover.

After the Lazard Mission, Cloud hurried to the cadet barracks, rat still in hand. The fact that he was carrying it along was enough to drive most of the others in the opposite direction, which was perfect for him. He didn't want anyone to see what he was up to.

There was a janitor's broom closet a little away from Cloud's dormitory. No one visited it except Cloud because he was, to put it horribly, considered little more than a janitor himself. It wouldn't have been safe—after all, broom closets were infamous for 'couple's retreats'—except that Cloud had spread the rumor of it being roach infested.

It wasn't totally a lie.

With his opposite hand, Cloud groped for the light chain, and then quickly closed the door behind him before raising the rat up to his face with the sternest expression he could muster.

"Mortimer!" he said. "We made an agreement!"

The rat blinked.

"We promised each other before we parted ways this morning," Cloud continued, stomping around and uncovering various containers. An old Wutainese container housed ten huge cockroaches, while from out of a sock blinked two pairs of beady red eyes. Thousands of eyes stared at Cloud as he made his way to an old crate in the corner, where he perched, staring at Mortimer forlornly. Mortimer stared back with the blank expression rats usually summon.

"Aw," Cloud said, suddenly, "I can't stay mad at you! You're too cute!"

Mortimer blinked.

Cloud carefully sat the rat down next to him, reaching into his pocket. "You're all amazing," he said, placing a small pile of crumbs in the middle of the floor. Roaches swarmed towards it, mice and rats following close by. Cloud reached down and stroked someone's hard slimy shell.

Somehow, during the course of slowly becoming the school's go-to exterminator, Cloud's fearlessness in the face of the vermin had turned into something different; affection. They flocked to him like…well…vermin. Cloud proudly considered himself the Pied Piper, and tried his best to accommodate them all out of sight of the others, but…it was hard. Cloud bit down on his lip, thinking.

"I need to get you guys out of here," he finally said. "It's getting a little too crowded in here." He stood abruptly, swiping his hands together to get rid of crumbs. "I just need to figure out how to get under the Plate." He paused by the door, turning back and smiling into the dark. "What could go wrong?"

Carefully closing the door behind him, Cloud leaned against it and breathed for a second.

"What were you doing in there, cadet?"

His head snapped up, and automatically, Cloud snapped to attention. Who else was standing there but Zack Fair, looking curious? Cloud cursed his luck. He knew that the personnel did do random inspections, but he hadn't been expecting for them to do one _today. _Zack Fair was one of the worst sticklers for the rules; odd considering he was the one who usually broke them himself. The few times he had actually seen Zack Fair, he'd gotten by on the fact that he was the school exterminator—he was allowed on confidential sectors for his work.

So then, what was he worried about? It was just a broom closet. There wasn't anything suspicious about _that_.

Cloud gave his best beaming smile. "I was just inspecting for pests, sir."

Zack raised an eyebrow. "It almost sounded like you were talking to someone." He looked at the door. "Hm. Perhaps I should go in and see…?"

"No!" Cloud yelped, and then rapidly corrected himself. "I mean, no, sir, you wouldn't like that. After all, I mean, it's probably crawling with bugs of all shapes and sizes! I was going to clean it up myself, sir." After a moment, he tacked on a, "You don't _like _pests, right, sir?"

Zack stared at him. Cloud imagined that the expression he was wearing was 'amused', but he didn't want to risk that. "Okay, cadet. If you think it's satisfactory, I won't bother there." With that, he gave him a cheeky grin, stepped around Cloud, and continued off down the hallway.

Cloud rubbed his arm uneasily. There was something off about that. Everyone in Shinra Military was pretty much afraid of bugs—didn't that mean that this SOLDIER was too? If he had said that same sentence to any other SOLDIER, they would've at least done that head-to-toe shiver.

The PA crackled to life. "Cadet Strife, Cadet Strife. Please report to the Turk Quarters. There has been a lab mouse security breach. I repeat: please report to the Turk Quarters."

Cloud sighed, rolling up his sleeves. There was no time to worry about anything like that. He was sure Fair had better things to do than poke around in Cloud's secret pest sanctuary.

._._._.

By the time he had gotten the pair of mice out of the Turk Quarters—which turned out to be code for 'The Break Room'—Cloud had been hit on by two Turks, nearly shot in the leg twice, had the Scrabble word _pervert _smashed onto his cheek, and was generally a quivering mess. Even the fact that he had heard what no cadet had ever heard before—a Turk shriek in fear—didn't cheer him up.

"You were supposed to stay in here," he told the two exasperatedly, shaking them a little by their tails for emphasis. Another pile of crumbs later and Cloud was sitting on the crate again, half-heartedly toeing the guilty pair of mice and scolding under his breath. As he looked around the room, he really did see that he'd stuffed all he could here. No wonder the animals were getting out again—they needed legroom. And if they kept getting out, Director Lazard would make good on that threat to get more traps.

Cloud chewed his lip unhappily, getting up and walking carefully over his guests. He'd have to find a way to get them out of there, soon. Maybe he could purposefully slip Ferdinand into Director Lazard's office again…he wasn't up for bribery, but the Director promised up a storm when he was up on that office chair, surprisingly. (Cloud never would have thought it of him.) Getting the rat out of his computer desk would at least be worth a pass below the Plate, wouldn't it?

Lost in thought, Cloud forgot to flick off the lights as he turned the doorknob, pulling it towards himself. Absentmindedly, he pushed a cockroach out of the way to open the door completely and then accidentally connected with a fat rat.

"Mortimer," he sighed exasperatedly. Picking him up in one hand, he opened the door all the way.

He came face-to-face with Zack Fair.

Cloud shrieked, recoiling backwards. Mortimer flew out of his hands. Roaches scattered from his feet. One unlucky fellow got squished.

Zack didn't look perturbed at all. Instead, he glanced inside with interest, his eyes flicking about the room before landing back on Cloud. "You _were _talking to someone. Did you do this, Cadet Strife?" He pushed the door open a little wider.

"No, sir, _please_ close the door!" Cloud said, trying to scramble to his feet. Mortimer was skittering drunkenly towards the door, but Cloud couldn't reach him with the sudden swarm of excited pests. The light outside was drawing them.

Zack raised an eyebrow in confusion, sliding through the door and beginning to close it behind him. It was a little too slowly, however—and a little too late. Cloud watched in horror as Mortimer zigzagged right out the door seconds before it closed.

For a moment, Cloud just sat sprawled there, mouth open in horror, staring at the door while the SOLDIER stared at him. Then, what had happened finally clicked in.

"M-Mortimer!" he exclaimed, scrambling past Fair and out into the hallway. He snapped his head back and forth, looking for a pink tail disappearing around a corner, or maybe the rat just sitting there quietly, waiting to be noticed. No such luck.

A chorus of screams—manly sounding ones—erupted from around a corner. Cloud quickly decided that that was where he had to go, and tried to take off.

Tried to. Someone had grabbed a hold of his arm, and was apparently refusing to let it go.

Cloud turned around, trying to jerk his arm out of the grip, only to find Zack holding onto it with a confused frown.

"What's going on?" he asked.

Cloud jerked at the hand again. "Can I _please_ tell you later?" he begged. The screams were fading.

"I don't think so," Zack replied smoothly. "According to the official inspection, you have been breaking multiple unspoken rules. Pests are not allowed outside of the Science Department. Personnel are not supposed to feed the pests, or house them in any way. Being the school exterminator and taking advantage of this to rescue pests is a breach of trust; completely worth being cast out of the Academy, if I'm correct."

Cloud paled, stopping his struggle. "Oh." A little more meekly, he asked, "What…do you want, then?"

Zack seemed to consider this for a moment. "Considering the situation; I'll come along with you, and help you find your pet."

Cloud blinked. "Wait. Really?"

Zack raised an eyebrow back at him. "Are you questioning my authority? I just thought that since you seem to have your hands full, you might need some help, and then afterwards, we can talk about the rules you broke. Unless, of course, you would rather just face them right—"

"Okay," Cloud agreed hurriedly. He would deal with the possible repercussions later. "Just let me go. Please."

Zack obliged, and, without wasting any more breath, Cloud streaked down the hall, turning the corner. He'd hoped to see a few cowering men on chairs as Mortimer scurried about—but the hallway was, ominously, deserted. Cloud swiveled his head desperately. The hallway branched out. Which way?

From behind him, there was a brief scuffle, and a rodential squeak. Hopefully, Cloud turned, expecting to see Mortimer, but the only person there was Zack, looking bored. A mousy lab assistant, who only looked to be about Cloud's age himself, was dangling by his collar from Zack's hand. He looked absolutely terrified, though Cloud couldn't gather why; Zack didn't seem like he was about to hurt him.

"Did you see a rat come through here?" Zack asked in a friendly way, brushing at something on his jacket. The lab assistant let out something that sounded suspiciously like a sob. Probably in shock.

"Please, sir," Cloud said, deciding to help out. "I'm Cloud Strife," he threw in, just for good measure.

The look of fear was quelled with an almost look of relief, and the guy lifted his hand, gesturing down the hallway.

"It's headed for the labs," he whispered.

Zack rolled his eyes. "With nearly half of the most capable SOLDIERs, no doubt." He dropped the assistant, who promptly scurried down the hall.

Cloud looked down the hallway, chewing his lip in thought. The lab was where, stupidly, most of the rats ran for, though they often detoured in different rooms along the way. But if Mortimer hadn't taken a detour…

Cloud suddenly felt sick. Lab rats were in the labs for a reason: they didn't care about them.

"Please be okay, Mortimer," he whispered, and skittered off down the hallway.

At the very end, the hallway suddenly took a sharp left. Cautiously, Cloud peered around it.

The door to the labs was open. A small group of SOLDIERs were huddled on one side, in a corner, and Professor Hojo, in all his greasy, displeased glory, was smashed into the other. In the middle, a Turk was, pathetically, trying to smack Mortimer with a flyswatter. Cloud quivered indignantly, ready to charge forward and rescue his little friend—

—but, before he had a chance, Dr. Hojo brushed the Turk aside, and swooped down, grabbed Mortimer by his tail. Mortimer kicked and flailed, before finally dangling like a fall ham. Cloud could barely watch.

"Incompetent fools," the doctor muttered, using his free hand to push his glasses up his nose. "Back to work. I'll return this mouse to where it belongs." Upon none of them moving, Dr. Hojo looked up with a dangerous leer. "Do I need to make myself _clear_?" Mortimer was shoved in the nearest SOLDIERs face.

With a sound that could shatter light, the SOLDIERs charged right past Cloud's hiding place. Cloud pathetically flattened himself against the wall, trying to hide, and then peered back around the corner. To his horror, Dr. Hojo was disappearing into the labs.

"I'll put you," he murmured ominously, "To very, very good use." And with that, the door clicked shut.

Cloud stared in disbelief. That was it. That was it. He had lost Mortimer, just like that, with his stupid hesitation. No matter how much people depended on him to take care of the pests, no matter how much he was called to restricted places—the lab was the place that he couldn't go.

It was all over.

Cloud sank to the floor numbly, and then, on second thought, buried his head in his hands. He started to sniffle.

Someone, without any warning, loomed over him, and a big hand was suddenly in his hair. Cloud looked up, teary-eyed.

Hovering over him, frowning in confusion, was Zack. The hand in Cloud's hair tousled gently, and the SOLDIER squatted beside him.

"Hey. What's wrong now?" Zack's voice was extremely gentle. Cloud almost blinked in disbelief, but then, remembering his trouble, his face crumpled again.

"I can't go into the labs," he explained, trying to keep his voice under control as much as he could. "And the doctor just took Mortimer in there. I don't know what they're going to do to him."

Zack sucked his cheek inwards in a horribly ungraceful manner. Cloud stared at him.

Having come to a decision, Zack nodded once, then turned to Cloud with an eerily large grin. Cloud swallowed, feeling nervous as the older boy leaned in close to him.

"I can get into the labs," Zack said.

Cloud blinked. "Um. Okay?"

Zack's grin widened. "I have clearance, and no one questions me. I can escort you inside. Hojo won't know what hit him."

Somehow, this felt like a bad idea. But, Cloud wasn't about to back out now. His rat was in there—rat, not mouse, ignorant Dr. Hojo—and to heck if he was just going to leave him to Dr. Hojo's nefarious purposes. So thinking, he followed Zack cautiously to the door, jumping as Zack slammed it open, strutting in like he owned the place. Cloud followed at a more subdued rate, not knowing what to expect.

His expectations didn't include a completely hushed, sterile white environment. Cloud blinked, his terror dimming. There were a few lab technicians milling about, casting annoyed glances in their direction; but it wasn't as bad as he'd expected. There were a few tables with beakers, but mostly white-coated men and women bustling about, looking busy.

Gaia. It was _boring. _

"Lab animals are this way," Zack said over his shoulder, turning down a corridor. Cloud tried to keep up as much as he could, his head still swiveling around in awe. There were no familiar skitters in the corner, or little red eyes peering down from the pipes. No wonder he'd never been called to the labs; they didn't _need _pest control.

Then they turned the corner, and Cloud gasped.

All the pests, all those that would have been, normally, running happy and free in the Academy's cesspool and cafeteria, were here. Shelves lined the wall, filled with row upon row of glass and wire cages. Cloud's gaze swiveled in horror. A giant roach scratched helplessly at a glass wall. Dirty, yellow-toothed mice huddled hopelessly in the corner of their cages, gazing out with listless red eyes. There were hundreds of rats, running and clawing or just sleeping in their individual containers.

But Cloud found Mortimer immediately.

He rushed over to the cage, pressing his nose against the glass.

Mortimer blinked.

Smiling shakily, Cloud lifted the top, pulled out his rat, and hugged him. "Mortimer," he said happily, and that was it.

Zack cleared his throat, obviously awkward in the face of this touching reunion. "Um, kiddo…how do you know that _that_ is _your _rat?"

Cloud shot him a 'no duh' look, holding the rat up to Zack's face—clearly forgetting all boundaries. "Doesn't he look like Mortimer? Mortimer has a clearly distinct look from everyone else! Don't you, Mortimer?"

Zack cast a quick glance around at all the identical rats, and apparently decided to let it slide.

"Hokay, we've got your pet back," Zack said. "Let's go."

Cloud would've winced, if he'd been in his proper mind. Instead, he dared to scowl at a First Class SOLDIER. "No."

Zack's eyebrow raised in amusement. "No?"

"Look at all these animals!" Cloud blurted. With one hand clutching Mortimer to his chest, he swept his free hand around, gesturing to all the cages. "Who knows what'll happen to them?"

"Mostly food, or experimentation for new sources of drugs," Zack drawled blandly. This, however, horrified Cloud even more.

"But they've got families!" Cloud protested. "And—And things to _do!" _The corners of his mouth turned downwards, and he tried his best to look determined. "I'm not leaving without them."

Zack's eyebrow remained raised, his expression unchanging. "Really."

Cloud seemed ready to retort, but, at that moment, none other but Dr. Hojo himself came around the corner, carrying a bucket. He saw both of them, stopped, and stared. Then, he scowled.

"Fair. I believe I have informed you before that you are not welcome here. It's not the day for your physical. And a civilian!" His nose wrinkled in distaste, causing his glasses to hike up. "Is that one of my lab rats? Replace it immediately."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"To _heck_," Zack said. "I'm helping you."

And with that, he whizzed past Hojo, found a pad on the wall, and pressed all the buttons.

With an ominous click, all the covers on the cages in the room snapped open. The pests stopped scratching at the walls and looked upwards.

"You fool!" Hojo yelled, making his own dash for the pad…but, already, the damage had been done. Roaches spilled over the sides, coating the floor in a seething chocolate mess. Rats leapt, and mice ran every which way. Within the space of a few seconds, there was mayhem. Hojo was tripped up, and the bucket went flying, giving another shower of, this time, glowing green roaches.

Cloud gaped. He hadn't been really sure what he was expecting, but…not all of them to pool around him. Tentatively, he knelt down, and room was made for him to sit. Beady eyes stared up at him, waiting, even in the flurry of movement.

"Are you…" Cloud coughed a little, licking his lips nervously. "Are you…waiting for me?"

Eyes blinked patiently up at him. A rat came forward and rubbed its foamy mouth all over his boots.

They _were_ waiting for him to do something. Cloud let a very unmanly, happy squeal, biting down on his hand so hard it hurt, then glanced up at Zack ashamedly. Zack's face yielded no comment, so he just threw everything to the wind.

"Follow me!" he shrieked, and made a mad run to the door.

._._._.

If any of the lab technicians were still around to see a crazed cadet, a madly grinning SOLDIER, and a tidal wave of roaches, rats and mice surging towards them, it was possibly the most traumatizing thing they had ever seen. This was seconded only by the unfortunate SOLDIERs who were standing outside the lab doors when they burst open.

Within the space of five, dreadfully terrifying moments, Shinra Academy was placed on lockdown, and half the personnel were already perched on chairs and desks, waiting for doomsday to strike. It was such a lockdown that no one was monitoring anything, all assuming that some other, braver personnel was handling it.

It was the perfect way for a cadet to sneak through Shinra with a carpet of pests.

._._._.

Cloud frowned.

With Zack's help, he had managed to get his little army through the deserted halls with minimal interruptions…all the way back to the little, crowded closet that they had started from. There was just one problem.

It was crowded.

There was no room for the swarm of patiently waiting pests. Not when the current place was already stuffed with enough beady eyes and quivering tails. If this was so, then that meant that the current pests outside wouldn't have anywhere to go. They'd end up in the labs, just like before. Cloud grimaced in horror at the thought.

Before he could say anything else, though, a glowing light encompassed his army. With a flash, they were gone.

Cloud stared in horror. "What did you do?"

Zack waved a hand to get his attention, and extended his cupped palm to him. In it was a glowing material orb.

"Compression," he informed him softly, adding a grin. "They're not harmed."

Cloud felt the panic in his chest subside, and instead, he cautiously took the orb, rolling it between his fingers. In it, he imagined he could see beady eyes and slimy shells. He looked up at Zack, offering a tentative smile.

"Thanks. I mean…" he ducked his head a little, blurting, "Did I get you in trouble?"

Zack scoffed, rolling his eyes. "With Hojo? I'll live. All he can do is poke me with needles, anyways. The real problem is in what Angeal'll say." Zack winced for a moment, and then turned narrowed eyes to him. "You still have a truancy to address, I think."

Cloud flinched, having nearly forgotten about all that. Mortimer, still on his shoulder, nosed into his neck comfortingly.

"Yeah. Listen, Cloud…" Zack paused a moment, his breath hissing through his teeth. "I know I was being pretty…weird before. I'm in charge of inspection now, and I can't slip up, or my mentor'll have my _head_. But I know you meant no real harm, so…I'll let it slide?"

Cloud's eyes widened.

"I know how hard it is for a cadet to leave the Plate," Zack continued, almost as if he didn't want Cloud to interrupt. "I can escort you through Midgar and…" he looked away slightly. "We could have dinner?"

Cloud gaped, his cheeks flooding with color.

"At a completely clean restaurant, of course," Zack added, his eyes lighting up at Cloud's blush. "We can drop your army off at the park. Heck, I'll pay. Your pest-whispering…I mean, it was _awesome. _I mean…it's a date?"

Mortimer blinked, solemnly nibbling on Cloud's ear. Cloud grinned shyly.

"Yeah. I guess it's a date."

._._._.

Meanwhile, across Shinra Academy, as panic dimmed, some had not yet heard or experienced the good news.

"I told you already," Genesis hissed, "I'm not moving from here." The desk wobbled, but the only indication that Genesis felt that was a slight scramble to the left.

Angeal dragged his hand across his face. "Do we really need to go through this again? It's just a mouse."

"That thing's _evil," _Genesis snarled, making the sign of the cross over his chest for good measure. "I swear on the Planet that I'm not coming down until it's gone."

Angeal sighed, settling down on the couch and looking solemnly at the mouse. "I think we're in for a long night."

The mouse blinked.

._._._.

**Um. Review please?**

**A/N: **Yes, Zack. It's a date, though you hardly even know the kid and just ran around after a rat with him. True love, true love!

I've been having horrific, horrific writer's block lately, so this is a product of that. It's been sitting, half-done, on my computer since late April or early May. Originally, it was a Sephiroth/Cloud, but Sephiroth acted too much like Zack for that to be pulled off. Pfft. I don't know. Tell me if it still does suit a Sephiroth/Cloud more.

Anyways. Um. Just ignore the severe lack of plot?

Happy late birthday, Cloud? O.O

Thanks for reading. Love you if you got through to the end. Have a more marvelous weekend than I have had thus far. xD


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